Ugin's posterous

Semi-autobiographical, pseudophilosophical yaddas

Fringed

[100209] I saw her at the buffet line. She with another friend and me with three.

We are at an all you can eat Siamese food place. Spread out was green curry, red curry, the must-have tom yam of course, grilled chicken wings, grilled fish, spicy minced pork, omelette, a few stir fried vegetables, mango salad, glass noodle salad, pineapple fried rice, plain white rice, cake, coconut milk dessert and probably a few more that doesn't come to mind now.

She has nice complexion, a smooth face with perfectly upcurled eyelashes, probably with mascara. A head or so lesser than me in height. Not too chubby but also not skinny. Straight no frills hair, but there is just something about her fringe that nicely frames her face.

My eyes were caught in her direction. If I had laser vision, she would have been vaporized by then. She ladled some green curry while her friend continued yakking away to her.

Hmm, almost forgotten about the purpose of being in line that I shook my head in my head, refocused my thoughts, and decided I shall start with white rice, no red curry but green, small helpings of the various salads and tom yam. Chicken wings and fish too with the sauces by the side.

At the table, it turns out that she's seated right across on the opposite table. Yes.

The green curry was great, rich with coconut milk, creamy, mmm. And, after a few mouthfuls and munching away, woah, that gal was checking me out too. Guess it was my turn to be vaporized, hehe.

So as I was having conversations with my friends, my head was having another conversation with itself on how we should go about this.

"ok, when she heads to the spread for another round of food, we'll trail her."

"but that'll be stalking." "yeah, but this is a public space, it doesn't really look that way, it'll look like you're in line just like everyone else."

"...so, do you come here often?.. nah, that doesn't sound right.. how about.. 'say, do you like spicy food?'"

"...but isn't that obvious, hello, this is a thai restaurant."

"what about 'i like how your fringe frames your face'?" "what's with the f words man, it's almost like a tongue twister, you're just going to bungle it up."

"dude, i'm no longer available, there's no point in it, and she might not even understand what i say."

"com'on man, the point is besides the point, it's not always that someone like that comes along and the bonus is she likes spicy food too."

"true, but it will make me look like a perv in front of my friends, and they might tell on me."

"who cares, what they think, 'you miss 100% of the shots you don't take', remember that one."

"...yeah, but, yeah, but..." "why would you think so far ahead that anything would happen at all."

And I blew it, the opportunity, not the saxophone. She left and we left a bit later, so I couldn't see which direction she headed.

Could barely recall the features on her face, but thoughts of her fringe stuck to my head for already two days now. No amount of head banging on the wall will turn back time or get it out.

Oh, well. "..cluck, cluck, cluck.." "Stop it!"

If life

[100205] The perfect one would probably be the one that would lie next to me, reading, as I too lay on the floor with a book in hand. Our heads will be nestled on a single oversized fluffy cushion. Soft yet firm enough for neck support at the right angle for comfortable lazing. This will be set next to a slightly opened window, so the occasional breeze can whir in and the afternoon sun will filter through in a dreamy intensity so that you are in that half-wake half-sleep state while being lost in the text. No words uttered, just silent yummy reading.

A Good Year

[100101] I just want to be good this year. To be good to others. For some reason, thoughts of letting slip opportunities to help others cropped up in mind, it is probably the nagging feeling of not doing anything, even if it also means we did not do something bad.

A few years ago I had the chance to do good and help someone but for selfish and financial reasons chose not to. I was tutoring a student at that time and the security guard at the condominium asked if I could help tutor his daughter mathematics. After meeting him and his family at his house, we discussed about the fee and after coming to an agreement at a certain amount, he said he will call me back to confirm. Later, he called to say it was not possible as the fee was high for him and I was firm not to accept anything less because as I was tutoring by the hourly rate at that time, time was money as they say, and what went on in my head was, if I accepted this student, I will not have time for another student that will pay more. Thinking back now, I wish I had just offered a few free lessons on the basics at least to get her going. But I was really hard strapped for cash back then and earning just enough to pay the bills.

Which brings me back to my first few days of school. When I was still in primary school, my daddy would sometimes bring me to school on his motorbike especially at the start of the year. I was still small then and would be sitting in front with my legs in the basket. When he dropped me at the school gates, he would give me 20 sens as pocket money for the day. He would then tell me, if I see someone with no money to eat, then I should give 10 sens to that boy. And later he would say the same thing as I progressed through the school years but not that he would tell it all the time, maybe once in a very long while. I guess it stuck to this day, and come to think of it, why not just try to help and do good whenever and wherever possible.

In the same year or maybe the next, some time after I turned down the chance to do good by helping out the security guard's daughter, there came another chance to do something. While I was sitting in my car in the ferry to go home, an old man knocked on my window and asked if I can give him a ride home. No one usually does that in the ferry but I said ok for no good reason. He said he had a bad leg and was on his way home from a periodic medical checkup for some condition. He told me where to drop him and I said sure, even though it was out of the usual route I took home but it's also not that far off. So we chatted for a bit and by the time we almost reached his place, he asked if I was of a certain religion, and I said no. Later, I figured out it must be because I addressed him as 'brother' despite him being more than twice my age. Funny how certain ways of addressing people can have religious connotations.

I may not be religious but it also doesn't mean that I'm a free thinker. Despite growing up in the Siamese Buddhist traditions, (although running and playing around wat grounds may not necessarily be construed as a religious upbringing, hehe, there were also times of sitting silently bored during chanting sessions by the monks when there are certain ceremonies) right now though, I'm just a person hoping to do some good in whatever means possible with my limited abilities. Not so much karma, or hoping for anything in return but because I feel so somehow, that this year should not be about me. Let's forget about me and see what comes my way.

"Life is not a saxophone, don't blow it"

[091119] Read that fantastic quote on some guy's T-shirt in the school canteen when I was fourteen, more than half a life time ago. Just googled it, and can't believe such a great quote did not come up in the search results. "Life is a saxophone" did not hit anything either. Somehow it's permanently scorched in my brain because I used to miss opportunities, whether with chicks or at sports or at life in general because I was too scared to make a move. Instead, I would wait and wait and in the end do nothing about it. Kinda hurts thinking back about the losses and the amazing things or even the different life I would have now if I actually overcame a fraction of my fears. I hope it's not too late to change. And people assume I'm laid back and act cool because I'm trying to be cool and mysterious, but in actual fact I'm just hiding my fears, obviously it worked to some degree.

Ahh, it's not 'life' but 'opportunity' instead, I regoogled, and it turned up only 4 hits, which all lead to one site, still it can't be that uncommon.

So here is the correct one, "Opportunity is not a saxophone, don't blow it."

True dat.

p/s - iamboey is addictive!

Wheaty

[091111] Had bread for breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday because I had a sore throat. Somehow thought it'd help with the recovery. Guess what I'm having for lunch in a while. More bread from the vending machine. Man, I feel all wheaty. Wonder how long I can go on by just eating bread.

Idioteque

[091109] Nai-nai. The title refers to moi, the capital I, and i often wonder if the paper chase is really a shallow attempt to compensate for that. not that getting a diploma in a certain discipline of science will bring one closer to enlightenment of the spiritual sorts. I'm still hounding the philosophical questions of life and such, only more so at the hare's pace, after all how much can one observe while barking madly, running at breakneck speed. It might lead me further down the rabbit hole. Just read this a while ago, "Things exist for purposes, things are intentionally caused, things are intentionally caused for a purpose by some agent. ... You begin to see that a god is a likely thing for a human mind to construct." from here.* And it made me realize that things does not have to have an explanation, that it need not make sense, that the dominoes need not be stacked for it to fall, a wind may blow it down. I am sometimes bogged down by my own self-beliefs that I've wasted all my years, been chasing all my fears. A good part of it was gone fighting an invisible inner enemy. Knowing that things happen for no reason can be freeing, at least for me,  as it now allows you to construct a future without the burden of the past. There is truly no longer good or bad, time is linear and there is no going back in circles. Forgive and forget, and move on. Do what I want.

*not that I have anything against the good religions.

Wow

[091030] Is that a wow or a wow wow wow? or something along that line from FRIENDS, except with me I'm really nonchalant and rarely wowed by anything. It's a bit like the Matrix where you know that blonde in the red dress is code like everything else. Why's Mickey always in white gloves, what has he got to hide? Those kind of things you know. Too much thinking into things if you will, instead of just enjoying things as they are. Can be tiring at times, and trying. Sometimes certain things in life need not be explained or verbalized. Attractions at first sight. Silent moments with someone instead of chatter, chatter, chatter.